Poetry Journal: Cancer
I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in January of 2024 and this is my poetry journal.
Isolation
the pill was small.
they gave it to me with tweezers.
the nurse wanted me out.
i laid down in a patch of grass next to the hospital.
the medicine created narrow portal
of loneliness. i felt the thinness of the atmosphere
and pure destruction.
The Lab Tech
The Lab Tech
I love to snap these gloves on my wrist
It’s the main reason I wanted to become a doctor
But now I just take blood
But back then, watching TV, they snap these gloves
And I tell you, it got me.
I love to snap these gloves on my wrist
It’s the main reason I wanted to become a doctor
But now I just take blood
But back then, watching TV, they snap these gloves
And I tell you, it got me.
Specialist
Specialist
Hair white and gray, eyes blue, piercing
Into mine asking delicate questions
About my plans to move to Los Angeles
Waves of emotion come over her face
I can read every thought
She finally looks at me and asks
if I can do this
Poor lady doesn’t know I just prank phone called
A casino two days ago
That I jumped a cliff in Jamaica
And escaped rabbid dogs
That I almost solved a true crime
And bled out on an Airbnb bathroom floor
After I lost my first baby
Lady, it’s ok lady.
Hair white and gray, eyes blue, piercing
Into mine asking delicate questions
About my plans to move to Los Angeles
Waves of emotion come over her face
I can read every thought
She finally looks at me and asks
if I can do this
Poor lady doesn’t know I just prank phone called
A casino two days ago
That I jumped a cliff in Jamaica
And escaped rabbid dogs
That I almost solved a true crime
And bled out on an Airbnb bathroom floor
After I lost my first baby
Lady, it’s ok lady.
Bread
Bread
I wanted to lose weight
It was the first thing I wondered about
When we talked about treatment
Would I finally shed the pounds
But now I’m sitting in bed eating bread
And I’m laughing like a god damned
Chimney sweep on break
I wanted to lose weight
It was the first thing I wondered about
When we talked about treatment
Would I finally shed the pounds
But now I’m sitting in bed eating bread
And I’m laughing like a god damned
Chimney sweep on break
The Flowers that Jennings Brought
The Flowers that Jennings Brought
There’s yellow flowers on my nightstand they
Arrived, in a small plastic green cup
Overfilling with joy, even some drooped over
Tired from trying to stand up and
they belong just the same
There’s yellow flowers on my nightstand they
Arrived, in a small plastic green cup
Overfilling with joy, even some drooped over
Tired from trying to stand up and
they belong just the same
The Heart
The Heart
Every time there’s a nagging nudge
Or tug on my left arm
At the same time, somewhere, elsewhere, out there
You are hurting just the same
And yet we don’t speak, we don’t even call each other
But our physiology works in tandem
It’s not random, I know flesh doesn’t work that way
But now I can’t come see you
Until after you get a new heart
Every time there’s a nagging nudge
Or tug on my left arm
At the same time, somewhere, elsewhere, out there
You are hurting just the same
And yet we don’t speak, we don’t even call each other
But our physiology works in tandem
It’s not random, I know flesh doesn’t work that way
But now I can’t come see you
Until after you get a new heart
Jennings
Jennings
You’re just four but you run your hand across my cheek. It’s not your problem, baby.
I’ve bought all the snacks and prepared you for this
You ride down the hill, you’re weightless
I hope you know I’ll climb over it
You’re just four but you run your hand across my cheek. It’s not your problem, baby.
I’ve bought all the snacks and prepared you for this
You ride down the hill, you’re weightless
I hope you know I’ll climb over it
New Baby
New Baby
I could sleep in two sweatshirts
and a pair of jeans
Cuddled up to my bottle
of levothyroxine-
Right there staring at me. Like a new baby that feels like a stranger-a part of me that sleeps on the nightstand.
I could sleep in two sweatshirts
and a pair of jeans
Cuddled up to my bottle
of levothyroxine-
Right there staring at me. Like a new baby that feels like a stranger-a part of me that sleeps on the nightstand.
Bandits
Bandits
It’s been 5 weeks
Since the swelling reduced itself to
The band of muscles on the right side of my
neck, right in the line of fire to the
Suspicious suspect, holding the stolen
Jewels of cancer cells as if running off with something so important and rare.
Something only you imagine happens in the movies when the bad guys surrender and all that’s left is to find out the why.
It’s been 5 weeks
Since the swelling reduced itself to
The band of muscles on the right side of my
neck, right in the line of fire to the
Suspicious suspect, holding the stolen
Jewels of cancer cells as if running off with something so important and rare.
Something only you imagine happens in the movies when the bad guys surrender and all that’s left is to find out the why.
Signals
Signals
Your body can slow you down, the mind
Tried to stay fast, it tried to think but a gap
Stopped between the thought and the idea
I was trying to get fast again, go forward like back
When I was quick witted.
A jolt of the brain, a slipped thought trickles down
To my neck, a signal warning me to check.
Your body can slow you down, the mind
Tried to stay fast, it tried to think but a gap
Stopped between the thought and the idea
I was trying to get fast again, go forward like back
When I was quick witted.
A jolt of the brain, a slipped thought trickles down
To my neck, a signal warning me to check.
Accutrements
Accutrements
There’s nothing to change right now.
The moon is out. Can’t change it.
Can’t rearrange or exchange the sadness
The face that you watch at night is perfect-
Reflections are surreal, steal a story, imagine
The universe stopped here, on this moment
The one when you are finally present, awareness
Takes a certain amount of abandonment, accoutrements in a backpack, locked up
In a hospital locker
While they open you up.
There’s nothing to change right now.
The moon is out. Can’t change it.
Can’t rearrange or exchange the sadness
The face that you watch at night is perfect-
Reflections are surreal, steal a story, imagine
The universe stopped here, on this moment
The one when you are finally present, awareness
Takes a certain amount of abandonment, accoutrements in a backpack, locked up
In a hospital locker
While they open you up.
Drew Barrymore is Perimenopausal
Drew Barrymore is Perimenopausal
Fiction class, December 2023, dizzy, confusion
Perimenopausal terror saturates instagram stories
Drew Barrymore, plump lips, sincere apologies
For society and our tireless work unseen, unrecognized
Our womanly struggles taboo, yes! Speaking my language
Drew, do your thing that you always do
My advocate, my voice, my forties will be easier
Than my mother and her mother
It’s a new generation and we are talking about it
We are on top of it! On top of it I tell you!
Fiction class, December 2023, dizzy, confusion
Perimenopausal terror saturates instagram stories
Drew Barrymore, plump lips, sincere apologies
For society and our tireless work unseen, unrecognized
Our womanly struggles taboo, yes! Speaking my language
Drew, do your thing that you always do
My advocate, my voice, my forties will be easier
Than my mother and her mother
It’s a new generation and we are talking about it
We are on top of it! On top of it I tell you!
Speak Up Now
Speak Up Now
I didn’t know this would happen.
No one told me. Or warned me.
There could have been a simple scare
Somewhere between my 30th birthday surprise karaoke party
And that time I felt the earthquake in my car on Bronson and Sunset.
My voice was always clear, but was it truthful enough?
Did I hold in too much energy so much that I created a stale Portal
through which something came and took hold as if to say
Now you have no choice but to speak up?
I didn’t know this would happen.
No one told me. Or warned me.
There could have been a simple scare
Somewhere between my 30th birthday surprise karaoke party
And that time I felt the earthquake in my car on Bronson and Sunset.
My voice was always clear, but was it truthful enough?
Did I hold in too much energy so much that I created a stale Portal
through which something came and took hold as if to say
Now you have no choice but to speak up?
The Hills
The Hills
The sadness climbs in, up over tiny hills of hopefulness
And moments of joy, watching Jennings fly down a hill,
Trying a slice of bread from a fresh loaf, sun-baked
Florida afternoon by a pool.
It takes little effort to cry alone in an elevator, the mask
I wear hides a frown in a grocery store aisle,
The smile doesn’t have to
Reach down close to my sternum where all the rocks sit
At the bottom of the hills, the darling, fragile hills
The sadness climbs in, up over tiny hills of hopefulness
And moments of joy, watching Jennings fly down a hill,
Trying a slice of bread from a fresh loaf, sun-baked
Florida afternoon by a pool.
It takes little effort to cry alone in an elevator, the mask
I wear hides a frown in a grocery store aisle,
The smile doesn’t have to
Reach down close to my sternum where all the rocks sit
At the bottom of the hills, the darling, fragile hills
Easy
Easy
It’s easy. Down the nose, a little numbing spray.
It’s easy. Down down down, burning, burning.
It’s easy. Cancer.
It’s easy. Mouth numb, dizzy, nurse talks.
Walks me out.
It’s easy. Down the nose, a little numbing spray.
It’s easy. Down down down, burning, burning.
It’s easy. Cancer.
It’s easy. Mouth numb, dizzy, nurse talks.
Walks me out.
Fireface
Fireface
Dusty counter tops, water bottles with pink juice, nails
Tap on the counter next to a Post-It
X-Ray technician did not eat “my beef”
Not enough time, she said, hot pink fireface
Outside the sun shines inside where we all
Wait, where did I set my glasses, next to white lady
White hair, slouched, staring, white coat, ghost lady
Technician paces to and fro, “not clocked in yet”
Lady takes me back, “have it so hard”, robe fluffs out
I imagine taking a nap on the floor, tired from exams
While fireface flaps fervently, “I take care of you”
Hip hikes high, ouch, snap, “they schedule every five minutes”
Under the robe half shaven thighs stand firm, no
Words are spoken my eyes focus on the steel bar
“Five minutes too close”, turn, pigeon toe, hold hold
Done. Time to move across the hall.
Dusty counter tops, water bottles with pink juice, nails
Tap on the counter next to a Post-It
X-Ray technician did not eat “my beef”
Not enough time, she said, hot pink fireface
Outside the sun shines inside where we all
Wait, where did I set my glasses, next to white lady
White hair, slouched, staring, white coat, ghost lady
Technician paces to and fro, “not clocked in yet”
Lady takes me back, “have it so hard”, robe fluffs out
I imagine taking a nap on the floor, tired from exams
While fireface flaps fervently, “I take care of you”
Hip hikes high, ouch, snap, “they schedule every five minutes”
Under the robe half shaven thighs stand firm, no
Words are spoken my eyes focus on the steel bar
“Five minutes too close”, turn, pigeon toe, hold hold
Done. Time to move across the hall.
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